HE IS NOT MAN BUT BECAME THE MAN THAT MAN WAS INTENDED TO BE!!!

"God! Thank God you are not man! " I exclaimed from the core of my being, I do not intend to be grammatically correct in making that statement so take it as raw as it came.

What is man, a double minded being who is easily tossed and turned by the circumstances surrounding him.

Man who says one thing today and because he is just human, he can not fulfil the words he has spoken.

Man even in His strength is weak and would make excuses to justify himself. Man who professes love today and because of a hurt is no where to be found anymore.

Man O Man!  I do not shout man as male alone but I am talking about the male and female creature He called Adam. For we have in our nature a track record of frailty that we received after the fall.

We who were made in God's image fell with our ancestors and  they multiplied based on their own genetics.

If God were man and man were God,  Haa!  We for don die finish,  for the wrath of man is to be feared,  the anger that burns that makes a day's foolishness wipe away years of good. The evil that makes faults easy to notice than strength is to be praised.

But it was for Man that God became Man... The word became flesh and dwelt amongst us. Showing us time and time again the blue print of the making of man.

He showed love to the messed up fellas, men and women who by all self righteous standard are not worthy to stand before people.

He forgave much and loved more, that love killed him. What man is He that says "Father forgive them..." when they were right in the act of killing him.

What kind of love is that, the love that forgives and does not bring record of evil. Haa! What kind of compassion is that,  making excuses for the sinner and saying,  go and sin no more.

What madness is this called love that made him willingly surrender to be killed and a criminal not minding his reputation and what people say about him.

It is this Jesus that died, he became Sin and was rejected by His father, he nailed it to the cross and declared IT IS FINISHED!!!

the same spirit that rose Jesus from the dead lives in you. The same ability to love selflessly works in you,  the grace to forgive has not yet dried up. You have been forgiven much and given a new life, make that life count.

God is not like the man we grew up knowing, He became the type of Man he intended for Man to be from the beginning. Selah!

We remember the death of Jesus today, He died and so did you, He lives and you live also. Glory.
Happy Good Friday from Radiant Pheobe

2017© Radiant Pheobe

LIFE AFTER MY SELF IS GONE.

Humbly I lie low and in my mind I wonder why things are slow
I am a seed that was sown but till now I am unknown.

I turn and there seem to be no world other than the dirt that surrounds me

I was afraid of losing myself to it and becoming one with it but the more I fought to be me,  the harder it seems

Why am I like this? My skin has fallen out exposing my interior to the decay that lies around me

The harder I fought the degradation, the more I shrunk looking different from the me I knew.

"Oh I am ruined! Why must I die now?" I cried as loud as I could with the agony that engulfed my 'self'

Giving up on self seemed like I was giving up on life,  the life I had fought so hard to keep.

I held on tight to the life I thought was a life little did I know it was the grip of death

I was made a spectacle in the world of the ants who moved freely around me celebrating my death and waiting to feast on my remains.

Just if I can become a beauty again, a ravishing one that all eyes beheld with awe before I was reduced to nothing by my owner.

Oh,  I can't believe he wants me dead, I can't believe he hated me so much, I still can't recover from the shock of becoming a past tense with RIP smelling over me when I had nothing like peace within me.

Oh! I was dying slowly and finally when my strength failed,  when I lost the will to live, when in my mind,  I thought for the last time how much my owner hated me to make me go through so much pain.

Just when my haters rubbed their palms together with their wicked grin, just then I felt the coolness of life sipping from the top through my remains.

Why now, I thought, why now?  I felt it was too late to save me,  I had no beauty anymore, I looked nothing like my self,  I had been humiliated and rubbished by ants who can't be in my class, but are acting like they own the rest of me.

I became the left over but daily, I felt the coolness of water, the life I needed sipping through, my self had died but I am not dead, even in my death,  I wanted to live.

Mother had told me she had to die for her to have me,  I never knew I would go through the same.  I welcomed the coolness of the water, though they made fun of me, amidst the rubbish of my old self came something beautiful.

It was not me, but it became me,  I started to grow into a new form,  I was not comfortable hiding under,  there was a force propelling me up, it was cool down here but I needed to ascend to the source of life itself.

I didn't have to push much,  as I grew, there was an opening to accommodate my growth and that beautiful morning, I woke up to the sun smiling brightly at me.

Wow!  I am a new creature. Something burst forth inside me,  I knew I had been restored but now I am a mother.

I smiled at the seeds I bore and knew that my owner didn't hate me, he wanted me to multiply.

Except a seed falls to the ground and dies, it abides alone.  You may have to go through hell and back but what didn't kill you will make you stronger. Haters will mock and discourage you but when your time to shine comes, nothing will stop you.

Rise above your difficulties, triumph in trials and give God the glory for He is that owner that has good plans for your life.

Go through your tests and pass it, you may be hidden and feel your dreams are dead and gone but there is light at the end of the tunnel, learn all your can, pray, praise, believe and breakthrough.

If you love your life, you Will lose it, if you lose it for Christ sake, you would gain it.

I know it's tough but life can always get better, don't give up, Rise and Shine!

Copyright © Radiant Pheobe 2017.

IMPERFECT ME 22

Episode 22

Rachael had woken up as early as four to start her house chores on Monday morning to get everything ready so she can be set to leave immediately her husband leaves but the guy seem to be stalling.
“I noticed you woke up quite early today, I know you wake up early but you were up earlier than usual, is there something I should know that you are not…”
“No!!! There is nothing, I just could not sleep so I … I decided to come and you know., em start my work on time.” She stuttered.
“I know when you are lying, I wonder why you still bother to lie to me but whatever it is just don’t get yourself so stressed up, you can ask for my help just in case you need it.”
“Sure I will. Thanks.” She said and excused herself.”
Michael felt something was off about her, he noticed she had done her hair and the fact that she was looking extremely beautiful bothered him, since she was ignoring him, who else would she have taken extra effort to look good for. He did not have valid evidences so he could not accuse her falsely at least not now that he is trying to get on her good page.
He remembered the shock on her face when he hugged her yesterday; he was in a very happy mood. He had been promoted and needed his wife to congratulate him. He did not want a cold response so he took his congratulatory hug without her permission. He had celebrated with his colleagues at the office and well she made him a sumptuous dinner so everything felt great in his mind but he knew she was up to something and it was bugging him that she would not open up to him about it. He will surely find out what that is, sooner not later.
Rachael waited for him to go, she rushed into her room and changed. She applied a light make-up and looked herself over in the mirror, she smiled at the beautiful woman she was seeing though her husband seem not to have noticed her new look and she did not care. Well she did care, he should have asked or said something at least. She thought angrily.
She waved a taxi down and quickly got in, she was checking her wristwatch and finally they got there. She paid the man and rushed into the building, she was running late but gratefully it was not her turn she met few other people and she discovered that the interview had been going on since last week, they were the last set of people called and so the chances of getting the job was so slim except you have someone on the inside as it is with all Nigerian parastatals.
She dialed her mother’s number to inform her about it and for her to pray for her.
“Is your husband aware of this thing you are up to?” Her mum asked and she was speechless.
“Mummy please let’s talk about that later, I can’t talk here please. He will be fine with it trust me.”
“Rachael!!!”
“Mummy, I’ve got to go now please. Love ya.” She said and ended the call.
“Rachael Michael Tade, are you  here?” the secretary asked.
“Yes-Yes please, I am here.” She said and quickly gathered herself as she walked with her head held high though her heart was pounding loudly in her ears.
She saluted the five man committee of interviewer and sat down when one of them asked her to sit.
“So you think you are the best person for this job huh?”
“Absolutely sir.” She replied confidently though she hid her doubts well.
She watched the chairman whisper something into the other people’s ear, she had come prepared for them, she had talked for about ten minutes answering their questions and she saw the approval in their eyes she only prays that that will be good enough to get her the appointment letter.
“So Madam, how much would you like to be paid?” the chairman asked.
“I beg your pardon sir.” She said confused.
“Well congratulations, you just got the job.” One of them said stretching his hand for a handshake.
“What! Really, I…I, I thought you….how can I be….sir….I guess we just made a stammerer out of her.” One of them said to lighten up the mood and the others laughed.
“Training commences next week Monday, you can meet the secretary to give you some forms to fill which should be submitted latest on Friday.”
“Wow! Thank you so much, I can’t believe this is happening. Thank you sirs.”
“I hope you will not make us regret our decision?”
“What! No!!! Sir I won’t. Thank you very much.” She said dabbing the tears with the tip of her fingers.
“You can go now. Please ask the next person to be called in.” She bowed and took her leave happily. She could not believe it was happening, how in the world.
“Mummy I got the job, am coming home now.” She said shouting in the taxi and the cab man congratulated her.
After the congratulations has been said, she ate to her fill and decided to relax and fantasize about her new job.
“So have you told your husband about it?” Her mum asked.
“Mummy please let’s not spoil the mood.”
“Rachael I really don’t understand you anymore, what has he done to you this time huh?” Her mum asked enraged.
“Mummy he has done nothing wrong but I was afraid he won’t want me getting a job now but I can’t just stay home doing nothing, I am bored, I need to get a life, I need to feel useful and not even him can stop me.”
“Pride goes before a fall Rachael, I did not raise you this way, whatever demon that has possessed my daughter should leave her be please. Rachael you need to go home and start building your home. I will not be a party to this arrogance of yours.”
“Mummy I hear you, I need to start going now it’s getting late and I don’t want him getting worried for nothing.”
“What has gotten into you? Rachael I think your father has to talk some sense into you.”
“Mummy I am okay, please don’t disturb him, I am no more a kid, I am a married woman for God sake.”
“Oh really? You are not acting like one, you act like you own yourself, how can a woman with a husband go looking for a job and even went all the way to get the job without first consulting with her husband. I thought you said you both are doing well, now I see that you are the problem not him.” Her mum said angrily.
“But mummy, I am not to be blamed, remember I was forced into this marriage.”  
“Will you shut your mouth there?” Her father’s baritone voice scolded from behind and she shook in fear.
“Daddy? I did not know you were in.” She said meekly.
“Rachael I am really disappointed in you. How dare you say such a thing to your mother’s face huh? Whose fault was it that you got pregnant huh? I believed you had chosen your groom since both of you were in a hurry, I hastened it up and now it turns out that you both are still foolish, how is that my fault. Congratulations on your new job, now get out of my house and go and build your home. I don’t want to see you here next time without you coming with your husband walking arm in arm. Have I made myself clear?”
“…Yes daddy.” She said sniffing and wiping the tears off her face.
“Good, now make sure you greet your husband for me. You better work on yourself, I believe your mother and I trained you better than this.” He said sitting down.
“It’s getting late, you should start going.” Her mum said in a low tone.
“Yes ma, good night.” She packed her stuff slowly and walked to the door, all the excitement was gone. Tears were all she had left. She knew they were right but she did not know how or when to start undoing what she has done. She does it perfectly in her mind but in reality, it’s not so easy.
She was so lost in thought that the cab man almost past their house but she noticed just in time. She was way too late and she was not even in the mood to apologize, she was just angry, at herself, at him, at everything happening. Her life should be better than this but then it seems to be getting worse. Their son was dead, she was still hurting from that. She felt cheated, she felt trapped, she wanted out but she was stuck for life. Divorce is not even an option, her father had also rejected her, well unless she reconciles with her husband and there is no way they can pretend to her father.
She opened the door and saw Michael looking disturbed and she knew why but instead of apologizing, she just greeted and walked past.
“Good evening? Is that all you have to say to me?”
“Michael please I don’t have energy to argue this night.” She said turning to continue her journey.
“Rachael stop there.” He said in a firm voice that brought her to an abrupt stop.
“Where are you coming from? I had been home for almost two hours and did not see you, I had to call your dad and he told me you were at home, Rachael I was worried sick, I searched everywhere for you and then you switched off your phone.”
“The battery is dead.” She said in defense.
“Rachael, I don’t ever want to feel like this again, ever. I am not stopping you from going anywhere but you are my wife and you should respect my feelings and be able to tell me where you want to go and let me know if you will be home early or not.”
“Why are you getting so worked up, I need to rest please.”
“Rachael are you okay? I am talking to you and you are walking out on me. What has gotten into you and hey! Why are you dressed so corporately when you don’t even go to any office, is there something you are not telling me?”
“Well yes, there is a lot I have not told you, I got a job today, I have been sending out my CV’s and now after an interview, I was favored. Michael I can’t continue to sit in your house and getting fat, I am bored, I feel useless staying home all day, I thought I would have a baby to keep me busy like you predicted…She eyed him with tears in her eyes, it turns out that I will wait for a lifetime for that to happen.”
“We could make another baby now don’t you think? I believe I am very fertile.” He replied angrily.
“You will not lay a finger on me. Michael I have a job to go tomorrow, don’t think about stopping me because I won’t be stopped. Good night.” She said and ran off to her room leaving him dumb folded.
Lesson
It is better to be optimistic than to live a paranoid life.
Happy new month dear readers. As a special bonus for those who have been following, this seems to be the longest episode that has been published. It seems like the drama will not end or like the marriage will not work, Trust me, you don’t know the half of it. After this part is where the fun begins. Book is available for the first set buyers, like I said before, this is just for those interested in knowing what happens next. It might not be this cheap when the main production is done. Contact me now for your copy on 07032725371.
Radiant Pheobe always delivers. Thanks for visiting, keep coming back.
Radiant Pheobe © 2017.

IMPERFECT ME 21

Dear Readers,
I have been amazed at the response so far to get the book.  It is really encouraging to see that I have people who are willing to support this new flight. Just for a notice, tomorrow will be the last day I will be posting new episodes here, like I said there is more from where it came from. Don't delay in getting your own copy. Contact 07032725371 for more information.
As a plan to take us forward, the next edition of the book will contain testimonies of the first readers, it will be nice to have your words and names in this book as the sale will go far and wide. Let's keep doing this. Radiant Pheobe has come to stay. I am here to serve you all.
God bless you all. Have a beautiful week.

Now enjoy your story...
Rachael had settled into a normal routine, weeks had turned to months since she left the hospital and it’s been hard to keep up with the I don’t care attitude she was exhibiting, she was quickly losing weight and she was happy about that, she had started to feel restless about staying at home, she had put calls through to offices that she submitted her C.V to check if she still stood the chance. She would feel better if she had somewhere to go.
She used to think music will be her life career but she was yet to find or recover the passion she lost. She was back to the choir but it made no difference, she had kept refusing to take any solo, she did not feel comfortable singing in front of the church who knows the history of her pregnancy, now that she lost it, maybe, just maybe she will muster the courage to hold the microphone and sing sweet melodies to the Lord. She had been working on finding her fellowship with God, she had drifted too far and she knew she needed him now more than she needed to breath.
Michael was making her feel guilty, he’s been too caring, coming home on time, buying her gifts, making attempts to keep her company which she politely turns down though she was dying to. She was enjoying the attention and she did not want it to stop, she just hope he can be patient, she realized she did not hate him as much as she thought, actually, she did not hate him at all. She was just bitter and wanted him to feel what she felt. She knew he was hurt but he had not reacted back so she was beginning to believe he was serious about what he said. The I love you and I am going to proof it part.
It was another Friday, she had gone to the market and shopped for the weekend. She had been busy cooking and cleaning up when she got a text message.  She wiped her hand with the napkin and read the message. She could not believe her eyes.
“What! Oh Lord please let it be true.” She said excitedly and she dialed the number to confirm if it was for real or not and it appeared she will be appearing before the panel for a job interview on Monday. She squealed in delight. Her mind was racing with excitement, she made a mental note of the cloth that will be suitable, she remembered that her hair needed to be done and thank God she does not need to travel out of town. She has decided to keep it to herself until she gets the job, She knew her husband has got connections but she needed the satisfaction of getting the job by herself so she gets to call the shots and she had a feeling he might not be comfortable with her starting work like that without his involvement but she will not bother about that for now.
“Is anybody home?” Rachael heard her husband’s voice and pretended to be busy, she dipped her hand inside water and picked the napkin just to give him an impression that she was busy. Actually she was busy she only took a short break. She had put the phone aside immediately she heard the door open.
“You are welcome.” She said with a faint smile.
“Thank you my dear, how was your day?” He asked like he always does lately.
“Fine.” She said flatly though she fought the urge to share the good news with him, if they were still friends, he would have been the first person to hear about the job interview. But well they were not those people anymore. Times have changed.
“Are you not going to give your husband a welcome hug after a long day at work?”
“What?” She asked shocked at him as he walked towards her as if it was a usual thing to do to hug him.
“I think we both deserve a hug.” He said spreading his arms around her before she recovered from the shock.
Yes she needed a hug, actually much more than a hug. She was still stiff from the shock of it but when he refused to let go of her and when she could not gather the courage to push him away, she relaxed. A pressed a soft kiss on her head and whispered into her ears.
“Thank You Baby.” Then he released her, gave her a bright smile and picked his abandoned bag and suit.
Rachael felt her knees go weak. What was that for? Was that one of his ways of
melting her resolve?  She thought, she could still feel his firm grip, how come she
missed something as easy as hugging. She almost ran after him but she will be
playing into his trap.
She marched back into the kitchen to get his food ready. How come he is so cool about himself lately, he is even happier, always smiling while she was trying to look serious and stay mad at him. He was making it really difficult for her to go by her initial plan.

Lesson
Don't try to act to strong when in front of you is the solution to the real problem, sometimes show your pain so you can gain at last.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017.

IMPERFECT ME 20

Episode 20

Hello readers, we have come to the climax of this story and I believe every episode holds an experience. I have had several offers from people who wants the whole book, well it is almost ready for sale, the series will soon be interrupted, I mean stopped so that those who would be buying would have an upper hand, in that regard the other episodes will not be readily available. The first set of buyers will buy at a discounted price, it is cheaper that you can imagine but don't underestimate the value we are giving.
If you are interested in getting the whole book, please contact me on 07032725371 for more details. Thank you very much for the patronage,  I am always at your service. God bless you.

Now enjoy today's episode....

Rachael woke up feeling strange, her hand went straight to her stomach and she knew something was not right.
“No!!! Jesus! Please, no, where is my baby?” She cried and she felt a hand try to hold her down, she pushed it away but as she tried to sit up, the pains weakened her and her muscles went rigid.
Tears flowed freely as she tried to recall how she had gotten to the hospital. She looked through her tears and saw her mum looking so rough as she kept calling the doctor and nurses who quickly ran into the room.
“Where is my baby, I want my baby. Mummy please bring my baby let me see.”
“Rachael, please just calm down okay, I am just so happy you are finally awake, you have been sleeping for two days now, Rachael baby, are you okay now?” Her mum asked her trying to calm her down.
“Mummy tell me my baby is fine” She said and her lips quivered and well the look on her mother’s face confirmed her fears.
“No!!! Mummy Michael won’t want me again, my baby can’t die please, that was all he cared about, has he left me? Why is he not here?” She asked panicky.
“Rachael please calm down for God’s sake. Your husband has not left you, he was with you all night, I had to beg him to get some rest, he left a while ago before you woke up.” Her mother explained hoping that will calm her down.
“No, I don’t believe you, no!!!” She remembered flashes of how he dragged her out of his room like a thief, she shut her eyes tight as anger brewed on her inside. She knew their marriage had nothing to hold on to, she did not know how their life will turn out but she did know for sure that Michael will not be given the pleasure to treat her like trash, the worse that could happen was for her to leave his house and remain single, she did not need a man’s compassion, from experience, men don’t really have it. Her father turned his back on her and forced her to marry, the husband too had his own share of frustrating her but she will not let another man ride her anymore. She will pick up her life and be happy.
Michael eased the door open, he was hoping she had woken up finally and yes, she was awake. He released his breath and walked towards her but she turned her face away.
“Rachael, how are you feeling now? Am so glad you are awake.” He said but she did not acknowledge him.
“Rachael your husband is talking to you?  Can’t you reply him?” Her mother scolded.
She turned her head slightly and turned back to face the wall.
He tried to hold her but she removed her hand so fast that you will think she was burnt by fire. Michael knew he deserved it but the pain of rejection is something he can’t bear.
“Rachael please forgive me, I know I have not been the best husband to you but please believe me, I am ready to start over and…Why Michael! Do you think I am that pathetic, why now, why are you not asking about your baby now since that was all that mattered to you hmm!” Her lips quivered as she talked.
“I am sorry, you matter to me, you really do.” He said desperately.
“You know what, I don’t even want to see your face now, I…I, Michael I hate you, just go away please.” She cried.
“Rachael stop it this minute, how can you say that huh!” Her mum asked feeling shocked and embarrassed.
“Mummy it’s okay, I deserve worse. I know I have hurt her deeply but Rachael I love you and I will proof it to you, just get well please.” He said sniffing and brushing the tears away from his eyes.
Rachael had to force herself to remain still when he said he loves her, she had waited so long to hear him say it but now that it’s said, she did not believe him.
“Rachael you should apologize to your husband this minute.” Her mother commanded.
“No mum, he is just pretending because you are here, I don’t believe him…he reached out to touch her. Don’t touch me.” She said with gritted teeth.
Michael felt so useless sitting down there and having her behave that way. He was grieved but wondered how he would survive if she does not change. How do I show her love and care if she does not even believe it’s for real huh?
“Mummy please excuse me.” He said and stepped out of her room.
“Rachael I hope you know what you are doing, no matter what he has done, I believe you were not always nice to him too, you don’t need this now, you both need to put the past behind and focus on your glorious future.” Her mum advised.
“Mummy please help me with the water on the table I am thirsty.”
“Jesus! What do I do to this girl, you mean that’s all you have to say, I should give you water you are thirsty. I wonder why we are still here, you seem to be feeling very strong, at least strong enough to talk to your husband anyhow. And to dismiss what I said like it does not matter.” Her mum answered angrily while getting the water for her to drink.
“Mummy I..I.” She tried to talk but tears blurred her vision and she swallowed hard and sniffed, her head was throbbing from crying too much.
“I am sorry baby, just rest okay, let’s not talk about it anymore okay?” Her mum said trying to appease her but she knew that it will take the grace of God to save her daughter's marriage

Lesson
Never let anger get the better part of you.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 19

Episode 19
“Rachael open your eyes, I am sorry… Rachael please I love you, don’t do this to me. Rachael!!!” He shook her but there was no response. He carried her and rushed to his car calling his neighbor’s attention, the blood kept flowing all the way to the hospital, she was already looking pale. He cried begging her to come back to him, her breathing became irregular. He prayed, begged and shouted for his neighbor to drive faster.
“Oh Lord please save my wife and baby, please Lord.” He cried and finally they were at the hospital, she was immediately rushed to the theatre while he put a call through to her parent and his pastor.
While he stood waiting for the doctor to come out, he paced looking at the entrance to see if anyone was coming out.
“Michael what have you done to my daughter?” Her mum said and grasped his blood stained shirt.
“I swear to you if I lose my daughter you will see the other side of me, you will know that I…Shut up woman, I am not going to lose my daughter.” Her husband said firmly and pulled her away from Michael.
“I am sorry, I am so sorry. I love my wife, God please I beg you save her and my baby.” He cried as fresh tears rushed down his cheeks. He was not going to pretend to be strong because he really was not feeling strong, he feels like his life is crumbling. He did not know what he would do if she does not make it. He did not know where he will start. He regrets not reciprocating her love early enough even when he knew he loved her.
He sat on the floor and buried his head in his palm as he cried when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He raised his head and saw that it was his father in-law. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and stood up.
“It’s okay son.” He said.
“No sir, it’s not okay, I was a reckless husband, I should have paid more attention to her, I should have cared for her but I was too foolish and stubborn.” He cried.
“Hmm! I can’t say I am happy with all that’s been happening but I know, God has better plans for my child, I believed you will be good for her despite the circumstances surrounding your marriage, I hope I was not wrong, I hope I will not regret giving her to you. I just hope so.” He said sitting down slowly.
“Lord please help me.” He said too ashamed to face the elderly man.
“Where is the husband to…I am here doctor, how is my wife and baby?” He asked jumping to his feet.
“Yes doctor, how is my daughter, where is she? When can I see her?” Her mum asked.
“Doctor talk to me, I am her father, hope my daughter is okay? And her baby?” Her dad added.
“Can we just calm down first? Well the evacuation was successful and she just needs to rest, if she had not been brought here on time, we will not be saying this story now, the foetus had started to rot, I believe she has been having pains, well just let’s thank God she is alive and well.” He explained and her parent exchanged a knowing look.
“Evacuation?” They said in unison.
“Jesus! I am finished, I lost my baby.” He cried bitterly with a lot running through his mind, he did not know what the days ahead holds, that baby was the reason they married, the reason they tolerated each other, that baby was their life line, their marriage held no substance without the baby. He used to emphasize so much on the baby that his wife felt humiliated thinking he does not care about her but she was wrong, he did care, more than she will imagine and it’s time to proof it.
“ Mr. Michael, your wife seems to be going through a lot of emotional issues, you need to show her all the love and care you can give, she needs it now more than before, women that goes through this if not properly taken care of develop some psychological issues. Please go home and rest because she is still too weak to see anybody.” He said and excused himself.
Michael staggered and held the wall for support. “But Lord I said I was sorry now. Why do I have to lose my child now huh! Why?” He cried hitting the wall.
“Thank you Lord, my daughter is alive. Michael you should thank your God that my daughter is alive, it’s so sad that the baby did not make it, of course if I were him, I would not want to come into a troublesome family. Michael I would not mind taking my daughter home and take care of her if you know you cannot do so.” Her mum said angrily.
“Mummy, please, no, don’t take my wife from me, I can’t bear to part with her. I know I have not been the best husband to her but I promise to change for good, I will do all I can to make her comfortable, don’t just take her from me please, she’s my wife and I love her even though I had strange ways of showing it but please don’t….Nobody is taking her from you, so stop crying and be a man.” His father in-law said.   
Lesson
You may not know the value of what you have till you lose it.
Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 18

Michael was excited about coming home, for the first time since he married his wife, they really sat down and had a very civil conversation, he missed little things like that, though she was feeling some pains, she got over it and she even laughed at his joke, he felt so light hearted and regretted ever agreeing to having her stay in a separate room, he knew she should not be left alone but ego would not let him ask her to come sleep over in his room.

He was afraid of being rejected by her, he knew he will not be able to handle it now. Monday morning was great, she had woken up early to prepare him breakfast which he was grateful for. She even hugged him good bye and yes! That was a bonus that kept his insides churning in anticipation to go home.

Rachael was humming a sweet melody, she could see a great future for her family even though it’s still a slight hope, she was going to turn the spark into a fire that will not be put out.
She was walking past when her mind was drawn to his room, she remembered the struggle she saw in his eyes yesterday, though she put on a plain face, she was hoping he would ask her to come in to his room, her room that was supposed to be their room. She noticed the door was slightly opened and though she remembered his warning not to enter his room for no reason, she too has obeyed like a fool but she was curious to see where he laid, if he had time to clean up, well he goes in with the sweeping brush, and men are not always organized.
She opened the door slowly and what she saw amazed her.

Hmm! Some things don’t change huh! He is still the neat freak he used to be as a bachelor. She thought with a smile.
She scanned the room and her eyes fell on a picture, her picture by his bed frame. She remembered that picture, she remembered him begging her for the picture but she had refused then she noticed it was missing but she did not know he took it. Well he always gets what he wants eventually, only that he got much more than he bargained for with their marriage.

She eased her weight into the bed and it was hard as rock. She used to like soft beds before but now she loved hard beds due to the constant back aches and the aches everywhere.

She smiled but then she felt that pain hit her in her lower abdomen, She decided to rest a bit and get herself. She sniffed his pillow and imagined him being with her like a supportive husband should be but the next thing she knew, she was being barked at.

Michael came home eagerly to see his wife but what he met set the alarm in his head ringing.
“Jesus Christ, Rachael has killed me.” He said barking her name as he ran into the smoke filled kitchen, he went to turn off the gas and the pot had burnt along with whatever she must have been cooking.

He dropped his jacket and bag, opened all the windows.
“I knew all that act of being caring was fake, she fooled me. Rachael!!!” he called out again, went to her room and did not find her, his heart skipped a bit as he imagined the worst. He decided to go change into something comfortable when he saw his wife sleeping soundly in a room filled with smoke.
He was so angry at her, he wondered how many times she had entered his room even when he asked her not to.

“Rachael!!! Wake up.” He tapped her hard and she snapped, sat up looking confused and started to cough. He pulled her out of the bed and was dragging her out of the room.
“Michael!!! Stop dragging me please.” She begged as she felt strength leaving her legs but he was busy ranting about how he knew she was pretending about wanting their marriage to work and how she wants to burn down his house and leave him to suffer.
She pulled him to a standstill when she felt a pump in her pant.
“No!!! Jesus please, no!!!” Michael was forced to stop and turn to look at her and what he saw scared him to his toes.
“JESUS CHRIST! What is this?” He screamed as he beheld blood dripping down her laps, soaking her up.
“Oh no!!!” She said and went limp but he was fast, he caught her before she hit the ground.

LESSON
Don't be in a haste to jump into conclusion, you may cause a problem too much for you to solve.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 17

EPISODE 17

Michael dumped the napkin in his hand in anger, he manages to ruin things just when there is an opportunity, he needed or wanted her to rest but that line keeps popping up and it makes it seem as if he does not care about her but he realized he really cared, more than he was ready to admit and more than she would believe.
He took the tray of food to her room, she just said thank you and turned her face away, she was obviously crying but he did not think she will want him to console her, so he left the room and the food he ate tasted like gravel in his mouth but he forced himself so he would not wake up in the middle of the night hungry.
This madness has got to stop. He resolved in his mind and he fell into a fitful sleep.

Rachael watched her husband congratulate his colleagues after they had been ordained on Sunday, he graduated from the school of ministry as one of the students but then that was not the intention, he wanted to serve in the capacity of an ordained minister but one night’s foolishness ruined it. He was a master at hiding his feelings but she could see through him and know he was sad but he really was handling it better than she imagined.
God does not need us piling up titles and not walk in the fullness of what we are called. Lord you know how much he loves and want to serve you, I know it’s just a phase but it’s tough, too much than we can bite. Please let everything be alright again.
They had maintained a meditative silence as they drove home. He was lost in thought and so was she, she wish she had the right words to say but nothing feels right.
“Michael I am sorry about today, I wish things happened diff…Please don’t, I am fine okay?  Don’t start claiming to be the cause of today’s event, we can’t change what happened and I really hate to think about it so please let’s forget about it and move forward, that’s the only way I can stay sane.” He said with a deep frown on his face.
“Okay, I was not sure how you were feeling but I am glad you are handling it well.”
“Rachael, don’t bother about me, I am okay and I have been taking care of myself for a long while now so please worry not.” He said.
She was not sure how to respond to that statement. She shifted in her seat, the seat belt was making her uncomfortable, her hand kept adjusting and readjusting it.
“I noticed Leah has not been coming to church well and the last time I saw her she looked really lean, I keep feeling bad about her, contrary to what you think, I worry a lot about you and I can’t help thinking Leah would have made you happy since you seem not to like whatever it is I do,” She said with no regrets.
“Rachael please can we just go home in peace, I am tired and I need to think.”
“Tired people rest not think.” She countered.
“Well I need to do both and please don’t talk to me about Leah being a better option. You are my wife period.” He said with gritted teeth. He did not want to shout at her but she was getting on his nerves by asking and saying things he really could not change or do anything about. He was going to do his best to move forward and stop dwelling on the past.
Rachael turned her face away as tears threatened to fall. She did not know when she became a wimp but she cried over silly things even when she does her best to be strong.
“Hey come on, I am sorry, I did not mean to demean your feelings but I really am tired of thinking and dwelling in the past. God has forgiven me and I want to progress” He said hoping that will ease the tension between them.
“Okay.”
“Okay? Is that all you have to say?” He asked.
She turned to face him. "I really don’t have anything else to say. I understand you and I think you are right. We should think of how to move forward.” She said just so they drop the talk.
Rachael winced and groaned as she swallowed the pain that hit her. They got home and gathered her energy, he opened the door, packed his things from the car and started to go in as usual when he realized she was not coming out.
“Why are you not coming out?” He asked looking back and retraced his steps back to the car when he saw her squeezing her face in pain.
“Jesus! Rachael, are you okay?” He asked dropping the things in his hand.
“What do you need me to do?” He asked as sweat beads formed on his brows.
“Nothing, I …I just, ah…my stomach.” She said holding her belle.
“Rachael you are getting me scared now.”
“Hmm!!! Please just help me get into the house.”  She said gripping his hand for support.
“I think we should go to the hospital first.”
“Doctors are on strike.” She managed to say.
“Should I call your mum?” He asked.
“Michael get me inside first.” She said firmly.
“Okay, sure.” He wanted to carry her but she insisted that she would walk, she did not want to give neighbours any new gossip about her.
Rachael feared something was not right, was pregnancy that difficult, the last scan showed that all was well but then all does not seem well lately  but she did not want to get him worried with all that he has going on. She was glad he seem to be genuinely concerned about her but then he must also be doing it just for his baby and that sunk her heart the more. She needed to be loved and to know she is not alone on this but theirs was not like every other couple, the circumstances surrounding their marriage were not normal and so there will be a lot more effort to make things right.
She had been trying to act right but when someone is pregnant, sometimes you just feel like being naughty and for her she has no one to be naughty with not when she was trying to get on his good page and it appears she was achieving her aim.
                                                 ***
Leah made a trip home after so long, she decided home was better anyway, she felt she needed to cool off. Seeing Michael and Rachael acting the lovy dovy couple made her start regretting why she gave up so easily, that should have been her but on the contrary, Rachael had what she could never give him. She dreaded meeting Kunle, though she knew he was as miserable as she was. She asked her mum to keep her coming quiet because she did not plan to stay for long.
The journey felt much tiring, she did not think she could be so tired but she really was.
“My daughter is back o.” Her mum screamed as she entered the house.
“Mummy!!!” She said pleased to see her mum who worries so much about her, she felt sad because she was not the precious girl that used to make them happy, she was just chaff now and she did not know where and how her life was going now.
“Mummy I missed you so much.” She cried as she hugged her fiercely with all the strength she had.
It was a sweet re-union but she knew the sweetness would not last when they start to discuss, she needed to reduce the load on her shoulders.
“Do you know that Kunle disappointed me?” Her mum started as she tried to settle in.
“what did he do again, mummy I have told you to forget about him, I don’t like the way he keeps bugging you about me again and…this is not about you my dear.” Her mum said impatiently.
“Then what business do I have with it.” She asked.
“Well, he got a girl pregnant.”
“WH-WHAT!!!”
“Yes o. He got her pregnant, you know Surat in the choir, the one staying with em…Yes, I know her. You mean Kunle brought himself so low to get a house help pregnant, that girl has not even finished her secondary school.” She said in horror.
“I was equally shocked; I did not expect that a vibrant brother like him would commit fornication. May the Lord have mercy on his church, the end time is really here. The church has suspended him and well the girl is still young and her guardians have returned her to her parents, that girl had become so rude and very naughty, we all thought that her aunty was being too harsh until she said Kunle gave her money to abort and the girl was afraid and so she mentioned it to her friend who told her guardian and that was how the secret leaked, after much beatings.” He mum explained elaborately.
“Hey! Jesus save me.” She said putting both hands on her head.
“My dear, your father has warned him to stay away, the fact that your wedding could not work the first time does not mean you are done for, I believe any man that knows your worth will find you and stay.” Her mum said wiping away tears as she spoke.
“No mummy, that man will be really unlucky.” She cried.
“No my child, I always brag about how faithful and good you are, we need serious and devoted ladies like you to help build younger youths. You have kept yourself and did not do what the children of the world find pleasure in and you…Mummy please stop!!!” She said blocking her ears.
“Leah what is it?”
“Mum I think I need to sleep. I feel sick.” She said lying on the chair.
“Enter the bedroom and sleep now, I am sorry I did not allow you to rest, we will discuss it later.”
“Yes ma, later… like never.” She completed in her mind though she knew that was not possible.
Her head was aching badly as she wondered how many ladies had suffered in his hand, he must be possessed and well she wish he rots in hell.
“Leah Kunle asks to see you, I didn’t mean to disturb your sleep but he has refused to leave and… Kunle is here?” She asked shaken.
Leah was glad her mother had the sense to excuse them.
“Leah! Oh my God I have missed you.” He said confidently knowing they were alone, he stood up and walked towards her but what he got was not expected. She gave him a resounding slap on his cheek.
“Jesus!” His hand went to his face and when he tried to talk she gave him another slap.
“Kunle, my God will punish you. How long do you think you will last, how many girls have you used so far huh!”
“Leah was that why you slapped me?” He asked foolishly.
“You are mad for asking such dumb question, you deserve to die, the world does not need your kind in it. You go about ruining innocent lives and you think you will have peace huh?” She asked as hot tears ran down her cheeks not because she was a victim too but because she had fallen so deep and had carried the burden for so long. She had premeditated the slaps she gave him, he deserves more but she felt the slaps will serve a bit and hope someone else does the killing.
“Leah it’s not that those girls were innocent, you needed to see how indecently they dress to church and… Jesus Kunle, you need deliverance.” She said hitting him with a pillow.
“You were meant to correct them not take advantage of them, you teach the word of God but I see no evidence in you and… Well that makes both of us.” He answered harshly.
“What do you mean by that?” Her mother asked when she could not hide herself behind the curtain eavesdropping on them.
“ Mummy, nothing, he was on his way self.” Leah stammered and tried to hide her face but the horror of her mother's face showed that the woman had caught on with their gist. Yes she was soiled, she had been used, ducked and dumped and she was empty and it's all because she was too afraid to disappoint her parents, they trusted her too much now she wondered where she will hide her face.

LESSON
Does who live in glass houses down not throw stones: Parents don't be quick to cast people's children, yours might be lost under your very nose.

Never make excuses for your weaknesses, admit it, repent and move on.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 16

EPISODE 16

Michael was in no hurry to go home from work. He was not in the mood for any of her talks, he just wanted his peace and quiet but he was not sure if such things exist anymore.
“Boss are you not going home, the security want to lock the facility?” A junior colleague asked.
“Oh really, I was actually getting set to leave too. It’s been a long day.” He said getting up pretending he has been working all day.
He bade his colleague good night and well only that it was not night it was just about few minutes to seven, he drove lazily taking his time hoping to pass time on the way home. He saw some fruit sellers and decided to stop by to buy some, peradventure his wife decides she was too tired to cook. Well he was trying not to be judgmental but they have had a very rough start which he had no idea on how to fix it, she was making life difficult for him and it’s just too early to start reporting cases to anybody.
He used his key to open the door and the aroma in the house were assaulting his senses. He came in gently and he did not see her around. He walked toward his room through the dinning and saw the table set. He started to suspect that there was a foul play. If things were not different, he knew the old Rachael was capable of this but not the new person he has come to know, whatever it is that has happened must be questioned.
“Hey you are back. I was beginning to get worried about your not being home since, I thought something had happened.” She said and collected his bag and suit. He was too stunned to say anything.
“You should go and shower first, you must be very tired and then come back and eat your food.” She said walking towards his room when he found his voice.
“Em…Rachael thank you, I think I can take it from here. Thanks for the food too. You must have out done yourself, please go and rest now I can handle the rest.”
“But I was just trying to…”
“Sure and I said thank you didn’t I? You should go now okay?” He said and left her confused.
“Did I say or do anything wrong?” She asked silently and walked to her room sad. Michael had to turn to be sure it was her, he felt bad for talking to her that way but he did not trust that her being nice will last. He was just trying to be careful.  
“He’s just surprised that’s why, I will not give up now.” She said dabbing the tears from her eyes.
She did not know how much reconciling with him meant to her until that time, she missed her friend, the fact that you have someone that understands or even when he does not understand is always available to listen. She had done as her mum advised, she looked back and tried to remember the good days when all was still well. It felt like a million years back but the more she remembered the more she knew she was missing, where was that Michael, they were not the same people they used to be back then that is why they need to be on a page but how does she go about that when he is now acting up.
“I will make this work.” She said with determination that gave her fresh energy, she was looking forward to the morning already though they were yet to sleep.

Michael woke up with a throbbing head, he had a fitful sleep fighting with himself, a part of him wanted to believe Rachael and the egoistic part of him believed otherwise. He got up lazily and she was at it again. He thanked God he had not rejected the dinner she prepared last night. He even suspected if she put love portion in it but well, turns out she is a good cook that’s all.
The aroma of fried eggs filled his room, his stomach growled and he had no intention of eating her food this morning, if he keeps eating her food, that will be taking them to the next level and he was not sure he could handle what the next level will be- whatever that next level is was not his business to know now.
He observed his devotion, trying to shut out his sense of smell and concentrate but it turns out that he will need to shut his ears too. There is no way you are falling for that again Michael. He thought. He had almost forgotten she sings that good, well that’s because all she’s done was to nag and misunderstand him but Rachael is something, Really and she does not know it.
He read through the devotional all the while his ears kept straining to hear her voice, she must be having a busy morning. This was what he used to imagine a marriage with her to be not what’s obtainable now but where your home feels like heaven on earth. God why can’t I have that huh? Everything didn’t start right, nothing is as they should be. Lord you’ve got to help me. You really need to help me. He prayed and dragged himself to take a quick shower.
“Good…good morning de…sir, hope you had a good night sleep.” Rachael asked as she saw him.
“What?!”
“I said hope your night was great?” She asked as if it’s a normal thing for her to do every morning. He looked at her again and she wiped sweat from her forehead. He felt like beating himself.
“Have they not told you that pregnant women should not be doing hard work? You should be careful, you are carrying my child and I can’t afford for anything to go wrong.” He queried. Rachael opened her mouth to answer as usual but he was shocked that she sucked back the words, drew a long breath and nodded. She sniffed and dabbed her eyes with her fingers and still managed to smile.
“Breakfast is ready and I …thanks but I am not eating.” He quickly said and the look in her eyes was that of hurt and disappointment.
“I…I am fasting.” He said to redeem himself but of course she knew him better than to belief that lie.
“Okay then, I will pack it in a warmer for you to eat as lunch.”
“I said I am fasting.” He repeated.
“I know but please don’t say no, I…I (she swallowed hard before she continued, she did not want him assuming she was looking for his sympathy). Please Michael, I put in so much effort to make you breakfast, I can’t eat it all at home, I don’t care what you do with it, please just go with it.” She begged and went to the kitchen without waiting to hear his reply.
“Thanks.” He said as he collected the food. He was too shocked at her behavior and he started to feel like a brute for making light of her efforts. Lord I am sorry I lied about the fasting thing, Rachael is not making this stubbornness work but what if I give in and end up in trouble like the first time huh? He thought as he drove to the office.

They had fallen into a routine as the weeks turned into months, she was getting heavier by the day and she was too ashamed to be going out and is starting to have great difficulties walking.
Michael had resolved to be civil with her, he was her husband and wives are supposed to take care of their husbands, the fact that she cooks his meal does not mean anything great, it’s part of what he was forced to pay for. At least that was his way of dulling the ache he feels whenever he refuses to reciprocate her actions.
He was particularly depressed because the ordination that was meant to be with him inclusive will happen but he was very out. Though he was almost forgetting why they ended up together instead of Leah, but this was a reminder of the fact that as part of the church’s way of disciplining him, he would have to step back and put his life together. You can’t lead God’s people when you are in a total mess, that was not to say you have to be perfect but some things needs to be handled with sense. He was asked to put his house together and it’s been months now and all he sees is management, maybe when the child is born, he would finally get  a companion, some days are better than some, when she is not cranky and depressed, she is overly nice and suspicious. The fact that they sleep in separate rooms is eating him up but how do you tell a woman who you have convinced you don’t care about that you want her in your bed. He did not know how long it’s going to take but then he needed help and he does not know who to confide in.

Rachael was curled up in the chair writhing in pains, she had read stuff about false labor and this did not seem false only that she was just six months gone, that will make it a bit too early for delivery. She groaned and was too tired to do any work let alone cook. The pains has been there but it got severe today. She did not want her parents worried and she really had no friends. It was awkward discussing with Esther who was still believing God for a baby.
She massaged her stomach repeatedly hoping that will ease the pain but it only got worse.
“Oh God! Help me.” She cried and well she heard the door open, she felt like crying for joy though she knew he will think that was an attempt to get him to hold her, she did not care what he interpreted this one to be but she just needed to get to her room and have a long sleep if it will come.
Michael came home hungry and he assumed he will perceive sweet smells as usual but not today, instead he heard deep sighs and his heart did a complete summersault. He thought she was in labor but it hit him that it was not time. That calmed him down a bit.
“Rachael what’s wrong with you.” He asked trying to be cool, he did not want to start panicking and realize it’s one of her pranks, she had played a few with him and he always fell for it thinking it was real but it appears that she magnified little things to get his attention.
“My stomach…” She cried, he took few steps towards her and saw that she was sweating and wincing, she really was in pains.
“Rachael are you okay?” Now he was scared. He went to her and tried to help her sit up but that caused her to scream out in pains, she gripped his shirt as she allowed the pain to pass.
“Jesus Rachael, what’s going on now, should I take you to the hospital?” He asked trying to get her in a comfortable position.
“No! take me to my room.” She said with gritted teeth.
“Are you sure, should I call your mum or something.”
“No, I will be fine.” She said still holding on to his shirt.
All he could do was sit and wait, he felt helpless watching her in pains, he did not want to feel what he was feeling, he started to pity her and wanted to just take all the pain away. He struggled against the urge to just pull her in for a long comforting embrace, that is what husbands do right? But he allowed himself to be used as a wall for support not as a human with emotions.
“Hmm! Jesus!!!” She said under her breath.
He scooped her in his arms and took her to her room though she was trying to resist when another cramp hit her, she was too occupied with pain to know if it was him or just anything moving her to the room.
He laid her carefully on the bed, he knew what he should do is to lay his hand and command the pain to cease but he felt powerless, he did not have the confidence and to see what she was going through caused him pain but he was finding it difficult to express himself to her.
Lord I don’t feel worthy but I know it’s not about how I feel but what you’ve done. Please can you take this pain away so she can rest? He prayed under his breath with his eyes closed. He laid his hand on the side of the stomach, she had no idea what he was doing but after some minutes, he heard her breathing evenly, her stomach was rising and falling like heartbeat, he did not know what he was missing, he wish he had the opportunity to feel that stomach as he wish but this time will be cherished. He shifted his weight carefully from the bed and left to go fix himself something to eat, he was not sure if she had eaten. It was just few minutes to eight and so she might need to eat something.
When did you start caring about if she has eaten or not? A voice in his head teased him.
“I will do that for anyone, she is in pains and needs to be cared for.” He said making up an excuse.
You love her right?
“Love, does that thing exist? Well I …Michael why are you talking to yourself now huh!” He chided himself and shut out the voice in his head got busy.
He was just cleaning up when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned and faced the worried looking woman. She really has changed, she was chubbier and her nose, that was the funny part to him, her nose stood out dignified, he knew she might not like it but he thinks it’s cute.
“I am so sorry I could not cook you dinner, I really wanted to but…Rachael you are not my house help, you are my wife,” He said and allowed that to sink. They may not be acting it but that is the way it is.
“ I understand perfectly and I don’t want you standing up not after that scene, you really scared me, if this happens again which I pray does not, I will take you to the hospital. You acted like you were in labor or worse, I was confused and… I am sorry I scared you, I feel fine now. I did not know when I fell asleep.” She said cutting him shut.
“I still insist you go and lie down, you know you are carrying ….my baby” She completed for him and turned to leave.
“Rachael it’s not what you think, I only wanted you to…It’s fine, I am fine.” She said and walked back to her room wondering how in God's name they can get passed this stage.

LESSON
Charity begins at home,  if you want to lead outside, be that type of leader inside.
The heart has a mind of its own and is a natural lover. Let love lead.
Watch what you say and how you say it.

P. S.  Sorry for the delay in posting,  it was due to some unavoidable logistics. I hope to keep up the pace, that's why it's a bit longer today. Thanks for your cooperation.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 15

EPISODE 15

Rachael hit the bed with serious back ache, she did not expect that people would still want to come and visit but the Sunday was not as quiet as she wanted. She helped herself with some fruits in the fridge and decided to microwave the food her mum had sent, she did not know there was food until he opened the back door and brought out the warmer. She rendered a silent prayer of thanks to God for that. Just when she entered her room, after a cold shower. She was just climbing the bed when she heard laughter from the living room. She refused to go out but of course he called her out and pretending not to hear would be an obvious lie. And that was how, she was on her feet serving and pretending to be happy while he laughed and talked with the guests, he was the perfect host, he even covered up for her saying his pretty wife was tired.
At 8:30pm they saw the last set off and she dragged herself inside the room and fell on the bed with a loud thud.
“You really should not be doing that.” Michael said standing by the door, leaning back on the door frame.
“What?” She said raising her head to look at him.
“I said you should not be jumping on the bed like that, you are carrying my baby okay?”
“Michael please just let me be okay, I don’t have energy to shout tonight.” She said dragging her weak self into a sitting position and she winced at the pain in her back and her legs.
“Of course you don’t have energy.” He said with sarcasm and turned to go.
“Michael…”
“Yes!” He turned.
“Please can you help me … I … my back aches and I was wondering if you would not mind massaging it for….I mind.” He said and banged the door. The sound made her jitter. She swallowed hard as tears rolled down her eyes. She had the strongest urge to call her mum  but she did not want to disturb the poor woman tonight.
She knew it was going to be a long night and she hope to God that sleep departs from him as it definitely might not favor her also.
She woke up past 7am only to come out and find him all dressed up for work.
“I did not want to wake you up. I left some money on the dining table in case you need anything. Have a nice day.” He picked his car key and walked out of the door before she could say anything.
He sure is a handsome man but well he will not be getting any compliments from her. Meanwhile she needed to speak to her mum before she loses her mind.
She was already dosing off on the three sitter when her phone buzzed. It was her mum knocking on the door and when she got no response she decided to call.
“Mummy  I am sorry, I didn’t know when I slept off.” She said opening the door and giving her mum a bear hug.
“Mummy I miss you so much, please let me follow you back home please, I can’t survive one more day with that brute.” She said but her mum gently disengaged her from the hug when she called him a brute.
“Rachael what has come over you huh! Did I just hear you call your husband a brute?”
“But mummy Michael is so mean and inconsiderate, all he cares about is the baby, I don’t count to him, he hates me and so do I.” She said leading her in.
“Haa Jesus Christ save me. This girl will not put me to shame.”
“Rachael I see how much he tries to make you comfortable but you have always been mean to him too. I know this is not what any of you bargained for but you are in it now okay and it’s till death does you part and none of you will die in Jesus name.” Her mum said.
“Mummy, it’s been so hard. I get so angry for nothing, yes he tries but it feels like forever and we are not even a week old. I feel so mad at myself, him, even God, yes I know that’s being unreasonable but mummy I thought they said God forgives sins huh! I see other people in our shoes but they seem to be doing fine.” She complained.
“Rachael, people will only show what they want you to see and you should count your blessings and not talk like foolish women. You got better training than this.”
“Mummy nothing feels right, I feel God is far and does not care anymore. I feel so lonely and confused. I am tired of the fight, I want to be happy again.” She cried and her mum comforted her.
“I know how much I prayed for you to end up with a good man and God answers prayer, though it does not look like it now but Rachael, a wise woman builds her home but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hand.”
“Mummy, I don’t think there is any remedy for this marriage.” She said shifting her weight in the chair.
“There is always a remedy. Both of you are just being stubborn but then one has to step down for the other, when everybody is talking, no one is communicating. Rachael the bible said wives submit to your husbands, the bible did not say submit if the husband is acting right or wrong, why not give it a try, don’t just throw words back in his face, you will not go far that way.” Her mum warned.
“But mum, you and dad have a perfect marriage, he treats you well, loves and cares for you and everyone is happy. Michael is just so annoying and inconsiderate.”
“Hahaha! Baby no marriage is perfect, I and your father have had our fair share of troubles, I only wish I learnt fast enough, you are lucky you have a mother who knows a lot, I learnt the hard way and I don’t want that for you.” Her mum said worried.
“Mum would I not look awkward trying to act nice, would he not think me strange? I can’t let him take me for a fool.”
“Well you are not ready for peace and trust me, it will be bad to keep having to shout and worry in this condition. You should rest more, I don’t want your blood pressure rising, you are too young for that and you should start your antenatal, that’s part of the reason I came. The one you registered near the house might be too far, we would fix a date and go to the hospital outside your estate, I heard their services are good too.”
“Yes mummy but I don’t feel like I can face those accusing eyes, I just got married and people who did not know will now know why I married.” She said pouting.
“Well they should talk all they can, I care about your health and that of the child. That’s what you should worry about.” Her mum said annoyed.
“Okay mum, I hear you, I think I need emotional healing first.” She said.
“What you need is God and some sense  to be a virtuous woman. Baby I know deep down in your heart is the love you had for him, we will pray now and God will help you love your husband. Do the right thing irrespective of what he does, don’t reply back when he is spiting you, tell him you are sorry, you could kneel down and apologize so he can…”
“No!!! mum that will be pushing it, i can’t kneel down now when he obviously won’t be helping me get up from the ground. My back aches too often lately.” She complained.
“Okay I hear you but you can’t continue this way. You have to make the first move even if he does not. A woman has to do what she can to make her house a home. We will pray and ask God for mercy and his grace. You sure need plenty doses of his grace.
“Yes mummy I really do, if God does not intervene I don’t know who else can.” She said making a resolution in her heart to start working on the change. She needed the marriage to work if not for anything, she would not want her unborn children come into such a mess called family, she wanted things like they should be and she would achieve it by God’s grace. But what if he is not willing to change?  Will she continue like a fool?

LESSON
People will only show you what they want you to see therefore,never compare yourself with anybody.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 14

EPISODE 14
March 17.
1:07am.
Rachael stared blankly at the wall clock as it clicked. She could not belief she was sleeping in a separate room cuddling a pillow on her wedding night. She knew Michael thought he was doing her a favor by listening to her plea for wanting to be alone, he had made arrangement and alterations in the room that she could not fault. He knew what she likes and he really has gone out of the way to make her comfortable.
She turned from side to side wondering if this is all they will be, flat mates. She did not know if he was just trying to hide his grieve but he looked like he was enjoying himself, it was pure torture for her though, him acting all loving and sweet, smiling at her and fondling with her hand as if they were normal couples. He even stole a kiss or two and people felt it was cute but it was really embarrassing.
Despite what she thought, what was supposed to be a small in house wedding was graced by many and she did get gifts too. Her mum wept a lot as it became time to go and so did she. It was her dad that insisted that Michael takes her home so the mum would stop. They were in the same town but it felt like she was leaving to a place so far from home.
Michael had comforted her on their way home, being in his arms did not feel so gross, actually she never wanted the ride home to end and to confirm it, immediately Luke who served as their driver left, he ushered her into her room saying she can change her clothes and rest. She wanted to call him back but her ego would not let her do that.
She did not know why she was feeling lonely, she did not feel like sleeping, she wanted to be held like a bride, she wanted to be cuddled and petted, she wanted to feel the warmth and security a husband can give but of course she was not going to get any of that. She scattered her hair thinking of what to do to distract her raging mind, she wondered if it was just her finding it difficult to sleep or maybe he was having a sound sleep after a long day. Marriage, nobody should marry for the wrong reasons, not even this is a strong enough reason but they had a reputation to protect, their families, the church and the fact that more than half of the people thought it was not a mistake but a preplanned act to end up married since they have been quite close. Well she did not care about what they thought but she knew this was going to be a very boring marriage.
Michael dashed into her room and went to her, her hands on her head and she panted heavily.
“Rachael are you okay?” He shook her shoulders pulling her in for an embrace. He patted her back softly and suddenly she pushed him and he almost lost his balance.
“What are you trying to do to me, why are you in my room?” She said shifting to the other end of the room where he can’t reach her.
Michael looked at her like a moron, he was dump folded. He rubbed his face and place his other hand at akimbo as he thought of the best reply to give her.
“Rachael I would not be here if you did not scream, for Christ sake what do you think the neighbors will think? They will think I have started to maltreat my wife on our wedding night. I ran over and comforted you and this is all I get huh!” He paced trying to calm himself.
Rachael’s attention was drawn to his bare chest, Michael must have taken to gyming because he was really well built and those arms had comforted her a while ago but she did not know she screamed out, she was screaming in her mind and so she felt startled to realized he was holding her for real looking gorgeous in his briefs.
Michael was confused, he was mad at her and all she did was gawk at him like he was a piece of art.
“Look all you want okay, it’s yours now but guess what, you will have to beg me before I dare hold you again, I can’t stand another outright rejection from you. When we have guests please play along and when they are gone, you should know the way to your room.” He said and turned away.
“Michael come back here.” She commanded but he was gone.
“Rachael when did you become so stupid huh!” She said hitting her head and pulling the sheets angrily.
She tried to sleep and after a while she was exhausted and drifted off to sleep only for him to come and knock on her door.
“Woman wake up, we will be late for church.” He knocked but when she did not answer, he was forced to open the door.
She was curled up with a pillow, he went and took a close look at her, if she was gawking at him, it would not be a crime to look too after all they were married. He felt jealous of the pillow, how could she be holding a pillow when he was readily available. Wedding night indeed. He did not like the fact that he would have to wake her up, he knew she slept late but so did he, well she is pregnant, that’s why she is in his house in the first place.
“Rachael wake up.” He said tapping her, she groaned and refused to answer.
“I said wake up now.”
“Mummy please give me five minute.” She said and continued her sleep.
“Why do I think this is an invitation from you to have me carry you out of bed into the bathroom for a couple bath, I guess that will be romantic right?” He asked with sarcasm in his voice.
“Couple bath? What!” Rachael sat up and pulled the covers to her chest.
“Oh! So you are awake. You have less than thirty minutes to get ready for church, we should not start going late now should we?” He asked pinning his eyes on her.
“Fine, can you please excuse me, I will need my privacy to get ready.”  She stuttered.
“Oh really, privacy huh! I wonder when married couple starts having privacy. Is this even a marriage, sure they say it is. Well I will surely want to have a feel of my baby, the baby I had to pay dearly for.” He said smirking his lips and walking towards her.
“What! Where are you going to? You said you won’t touch me remember, you promised and there is church to think about, I need to get ready if you can just excuse me please?” She begged not because she did not want him but because she did not trust herself. She knew Michael did not love her like he used to and whatever happens between them will just be mere release of hormonal excesses, she wanted love not just sex but everything is still messed up, she hope it does not come to a point where he will want to force her, she was not psychologically ready, she would not allow anything to break her resolve. His simple touch has that effect on her so she will not let him.
“Rachael I will see how long it will take you to keep rejecting me to my face, I thought Leah was a wrong choice but you are not any better. Now you have about thirty minutes, remember we are supposed to appear in uniform like normal couples a day after their wedding.  I believe you know what to wear as planned.” He said and walked away leaving her dumb folded.
Rachael wish there was a way to escape immediately after the service but there really was no way out with people crowding her and giving their congratulations. Well some were just curious and she will not give anybody to pleasure of laughing at her, she was about to make her way out when Elder Mofe’s wife cornered her.
“Iyawo titun, how are you my dear, sure your wedding night was awesome, you must be very tired because your eyes are puffy but see how your husband is looking bright ehn, it’s the men’s world, they get to enjoy while the women suffer the pain, it will be fine soon okay? I wonder why my daughter in-law is yet to conceive ehn…I…”
“Hey baby, I have been looking all over for you. Good afternoon mummy, I need to have a word with my wife if you don’t mind.” Michael said whisking his wife away, waving other church members and taking her straight to the car.
Rachael allowed him because she would have passed out if she stood there an extra minute. That woman was a busy body, how could she ever talk about Esther that way, her friend must be going through hell. It’s unfortunate that they can’t swap places.
“Are you okay? You looked like you needed some air and well I know how that woman can be so I came to save you, hope I won’t be criticized for doing that?” He said putting on his seat belt on though his eyes were on her.
“Hmm! Thanks for coming to save me just like you used to.”
“Finally I get a compliment, I think we are getting somewhere.” He said.
“Hey! What do you mean, I am not that…well you just keep getting under my skin and making sarcastic comments and you expect me to just sit back and watch?”
“Are we having an argument again?” He asked.
“No we are just talking, I am really hungry can we just go to your house?” She said knowing that might spark another reaction.
“Why can’t you make it super simple and ask if we can just go home? It’s your house too you know?” 
“Okay, Whatever?” She said turning outside as he put on the ignition.
“Sure that’s what I get for being nice. Well if this is how you want it, let’s do it.” He said and pressed the clutch angrily raising dust.
“Michael are you mad? What if I had hit my head on the dash board.” She asked breathing heavily.
“Oh! Sure I am very mad, well I’d rather you hit your head than your stomach, nothing must happen to that baby since that’s the reason my life is in a mess now.”  He said not looking her way. She was too shocked to utter a word.
“So you care about the baby not me, do you think you are the only one that has lost huh?”
“Well what do I do when you make it so difficult to be cared for, so let me care about the baby. I just hope to God he is a boy.” He said with no apologies.
“Michael I hate you.”
“News flash, so do I?” He said and it hit her like an arrow. She did not really mean it, it was just the normal I hate you kind of talk but then the look in his eyes tells her he really meant the hatred thing, tears blurred her view, she swallowed the lump in her throat and gritted her teeth. Her eyes had the mind of their own, though she did not want to look weak, the tears rolled and she quickly dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief while she sniffed. She said nothing more, she was just wondering what will happen from now on. It’s just Day two and already, it feels like hell.

LESSON
Don’t marry for the wrong reasons.
In a relationship, one person has to step down for the other, there can’t be two captains in a ship.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 13

EPISODE 13

Rachael could not believe this was really happening to her, all her plans to have a grand white wedding went down the drain, they were just going to come pay her bride price, have the pastor pray over them, entertain the few people and hold a small reception for those that cared to come and then she will be Mrs. Michael Tade. What a shame.

It was obvious she was the only one still seeing how insane the whole thing is, Esther had been lovely, she was gracefully married now but Esther felt responsible for what happened seeing that she insisted she stayed back to help and so did Luke, so they stood by them even when others were being judgmental.
She knew who her real friends were, it appeared that a lot of people related with her when the spotlight was on her. Now she was just part of the statistics.

Michael had just been cool, acting as if he has everything under control but she knew he was hurting as much as she was. His mum who was not a stranger to her at least when she was his friend had started calling more frequently, calling her my wife, my daughter, asking after the baby. She felt frustrated but she could not vent the anger on the poor woman.
“Rachael come out of that room now, you have to come and eat and your father said you should not let him come and get you himself.” Her mum said on top of her voice.
“Mum you didn’t need to shout, I am not hungry yet.” She answered. She locked the door on herself, she felt really depressed and wanted to be left alone but obviously not. It appears that her parent seem to be looking forward to having the baby, she could not blame them for it. They know what they went through to have her and they did not mind the shame of having a child from her in such a disgraceful manner.
“Rachael open the door this minute and come and eat. If you don’t care about yourself, at least think about my baby, he needs to be healthy.” Michael’s voice called out.
“What! Why are you in my house and how dare you call my baby yours and who told you she is a he?” She answered.
“Rachael we are not having a couple fight are we?” He asked and she yanked the door open which was what he expected. What he did not expect was how messed up she looked, swollen eyes which was still red from crying, disheveled hair and all this with her in a pajamas.
“Michael, you sure know what to do to get her to open the door. You guys fit each other.” Her mum said pulling her along like you would a five year old.
“Michael how dare you… you should start respecting him now, he will be your husband in less than a week. I don’t use that tone on your father do I?” Her mum scolded.
“He is not my husband.”
“Yet.” Michael added with amusement. Since his life is messed up, he decided to have as much fun as he can with the madness happening. He will not let her frustrate him. If he gets tired, he will find a hiding place and come back later.
Rachael was too embarrassed to admit she was hungry, she actually did not know she was until the saw the sight on the dining table. Her stomach growled and everybody laughed. 
“I guess I won’t have to beg you to eat now do I ?” Her father asked.
“Daddy I was just fine in my room.” She argued.
“Well you can go back if you want.” He answered trying not to laugh when she pouted her lips like a child. He would miss her so much but they have to do this and move on.
“I…well I just don’t…Here sit down.” Michael said and pulled out a chair for the stuttering woman.
She looked at him as If she was surprised, well he used to be a gentle man but that seem like decades ago, she seem not to have a memory of their good old days and she does not want to remember. She was going to hold on to this anger.
“Don’t start acting all nice because they are here, what if I don’t want to sit?” She asked with her hand on her waist.
“Is it the pregnancy or you trying to be the child I didn’t raise you to be. You shame me. I have warned you to stop talking to him that way, didn’t I ?” Her mother asked.
“Now sit down and eat, you are obviously hungry and I made more than enough. Can I have peace in my house please, I am tired of all these drama okay? Rachael I am tired, you are not a kid anymore, you are an adult and I will treat you as one. You have a responsibility to this child and I will not tolerate this nonsense anymore. If you think your stable life with us was by chance, go and try that when you get to your husband’s house. I am the home maker here so you go by my rules understand?” Her mum said.
Rachael knew she had pushed it to the limit. Tears shimmered down her eyes as she looked at her mum that was panting as if she ran a marathon. Her father and Michael just stood quietly watching the scene.

“Mummy please we are sorry, if I didn’t give in to the weakness of the moment things would have gone differently.” Michael said when he found his tongue.
“Enough of the guilt trip son, going back to the past has done no one good, we should think of how to move forward.” Her father said.
Rachael wiped her tears with the back of her hand and sniffed as the tears flowed easily.

Her mum felt weak and pulled out a chair to sit beside her. “Baby I am sorry I shouted at you. Everything is happening so fast and you have not really been cooperative. Please my dear can you make this easy for all of us. I know God knows best, we don’t know what tomorrow holds but this is not the end of life. Can you please stop crying and eat your food. I worry about you. Please my dear.”
Her mother wiped her face with her palm like she had done countless times when she was a little girl.
“Mummy I am sorry too, I don’t know why I feel so depressed these days, I know it’s hard but I appreciate all you and dad have done for me, I am sorry I didn’t turn out to make you proud.” She said and crumbled in her mother’s arms.
When the crying spree was over, they settled and ate in silence. After the meal she helped in packing the plates to the kitchen and Michael asked her mum to leave it to them. When the woman was out, Rachael dropped the plate in the sink and leaned on it.
“Are you okay?” He asked but didn’t touch her though he was watching to catch her in case she wants to faint on him.
“You know I have an issue with both of us standing alone in the kitchen, actually alone anywhere. I don’t want to end up pregnant.” She said still not facing him.
“Well you can’t be more pregnant than you are now plus I have no intention of doing anything to you. Once was enough. Can we just wash the dishes and get out. If you are tired just sit down and I will finish it.”
“Seriously? I would gladly take you on that offer but then mum will not be happy about it. I will appreciate that help when I become your…”She stopped in mid-sentence when she realized what she was about to say. Her eyes met his and she could see the amusement in his eyes.
“When you become my wife you meant to say right? Rachael I can’t say we love each other now but there should not be hatred between us. I am trying to keep calm and go along with the plan, please let’s be civil about this thing. I didn’t know you to be this difficult.” He said with a hint of frustration in his voice.
“Can we just clean this place and get out of the kitchen, I am feeling very uncomfortable.” She said picking a dirty dish and scrubbing it.
“Now I know how much you detest me. I…I never mind.” He said. Rachael wanted to say that was not what she meant but it sure sounded like it and it was too late to redeem herself.
They worked in silence and she noticed he took the pain to avoid touching her not even by mistake. She did not know why something sank in the pit of her stomach at the thought of it. She knew she would be the one to suffer most especially with the aches on her back and legs.
“Michael I am sor…no please save it. I understand, I am making arrangement to make the house conducive for you, I will not be in your way. You will have sufficient time to be alone because I won’t bother you. I actually came to ask you to tell me whatever you want to change in the house or whatever you need just let me know. I hope you still have my number?” He asked and started to walk out of the kitchen then he turned.
“You should consider making your hair, you really don’t  look good with that on your head.”
“Since when has my hair been your concern?”
“Since I was your friend if memory serves you well and since you will be my wife soon, I need you to look good if not for yourself, for me. I thought you were stronger than this. You should try and pull yourself together, my mum will be coming in two days and I will not want you giving her the wrong impressions so behave.”
“Michael why does everything have to be about you huh?” She started to rant but he was already gone.
“Rachael, this is not going help issues.” Her mum said entering the kitchen.
“Mum he is just so selfish.” She complained.
“You are just being unreasonable. You know I keep wondering how you loved him so much at a point but now it seems like you can’t stand him not even as a friend. Rachael watch it so you don’t suffer. That guy is a gentle man, don’t push him because if you do, you would suffer it more.”

QUESTION
Is it possible to love so much to the point of hate? Or rather can you love and detest a person at the same time?

LESSON
Unforgiveness is like cancer that eats up the individual till there is nothing but chaff left. Let Go and Let God!

Radiant Pheobe © 2017

IMPERFECT ME 12

EPISODE 12

When Rachael fainted, her father was on his feet to her side immediately. There was chaos in the office. Michael who had been eavesdropping entered and he was by her side the next minute, a bottle water was opened quickly and sprinkled on her face when she winced, they put on the fan, though the AC was on  and allowed her some space.

The only woman present Deaconess Deborah knew it was not as bad as the men thought. Rachael’s father was sweating and very confused.
“She is fine, what has she eaten today?” She asked the dad.
“I am not sure she ate well, her mother had been complaining that she stopped eating, all she does is cry. Rachael you had better be fine.” Her father said wiping a tear from his eyes. He could not lose her, he knew how much he suffered before she stayed, he lost other babies through mysterious miscarriages and she was the only one they had.

“Rachael please open your eyes. I am sorry okay, please forgive me, just open your eyes, I know I have been selfish and stupid but now is not the time to die. You will be fine okay. Rachael!” Michael said kneeling beside her and patting her cheek slightly. Her eyes fluttered open and her throat felt glued together, she was trying to make sense of the scene before her.

“Michael!” She managed to say, then as if something hit her, she gathered her energy and pushed him.
“Get away from me, don’t touch me!!!” She said crying.
“Baby are you okay?” Her dad asked.
“Daddy I am sorry.” She cried and he hugged her and they wept together.

Michael was so hurt and embarrassed; He excused himself and walked out of the office. How did a loving friendship become a monstrous one. She did not even trust him to hold her even in the presence of everybody, how will he now survive with her for the rest of his life. She hated him and it was not totally her fault, he was overcome by emotion, Leah frustrated him and there was the issue of her sensual voice coming from his kitchen and yes all that was male in him answered the call even when his heart warned against it.
“God you just have to help me, I am losing my mind.” He said bowing his head in his sitted position.

Rachael’s father came out and saw him sitting at the back of the church looking like a lost man. Despite the hurt he felt, he knew good will come out of this union. King David had done worse than the young man but God had mercy and compensated them with Solomon. He sat beside him and Michael looked up to see who it was.
He was already half way up to greet the elderly man when he stopped him.
“Don’t bother, sit down let me talk to you.”
“Okay sir.” He said and gulped.
“Michael I must say I was hurt when I heard what happened but then the deed has been done. I am sorry Leah left but I wish I had been much forward, I don’t think we all will be in this mess. You remember I once asked you why you were always hanging around my daughter and you claimed she was just a friend. I gave you an opportunity to talk but I guess you missed it. Michael you know how you met my daughter, I have forgiven you but I promise you, if you hurt one hair on her head again, you will not like what I will do to you.”
“But sir…Let me finish.” He interrupted.
“Rachael is a stubborn girl and the scene we just witness confirmed a lot of things to me. My daughter loved you, I am not so sure if she still does, she feels very hurt now and I know it’s not going to be easy but both of you know the basics of what a Christian marriage is, promise me you will take care of her for me. You know I have the capacity to take care of the unborn child but I believe both of you are just hurting, you will eventually find yourselves again.” Her dad said.
“Sir I don’t think Rachael will ever agree. She can’t stand me close to her, how do I cope with that. Sir Rachael had a special place in my heart, I cared a lot about her but I did not think things will get this ugly between us and these past months has been the worse for me, how then do we live together?” He asked confused but her father seems to be annoyed.

“Michael, you put the baby in her, you should take care of them, I give you three weeks to come with your people to see me. I need to take my daughter home to rest. We will talk some more later.” The man said patting his shoulder and walking away.

Michael did not know what to do with himself, a part of him seem to be happy, he used to fantasize about them being a couple but never in his life did he think it will happen this way. Rachael is every man’s dream woman but she was so not the best person to be with now. Leah had totally refused to talk to him, she claimed she has forgiven him. He wondered why things just refused to work, they had cancelled several trips to go see her parent. He spoke to them over the phone severally, he knew the parent wanted her home but Leah could be adamant. He had a feeling she was hiding a lot of things but then Leah turned a new leaf, she became lovely and so caring, just when he thought they were making progress, Rachael came with the talk of being pregnant and everything was now a total mess. Where would a marriage put them now, he hoped her father was not serious but what will they do now that the church council think it is the best thing to do. They all thought this was a shortcut to get one of the best ladies in the church but God knows they are wrong? How will he proof that now?

LESSON
Don’t do today what you will regret tomorrow.
It’s Valentine, spread love not body fluids. God is love!!! Happy Valentine's Day people. I love you all.

Radiant Pheobe © 2017